Thursday, December 12, 2013

Let it Go

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I posted my story about my emotional trauma from surgery and how it relates to my fears of a c-section with the twins a couple months ago.  Since then I've been trying, and struggling with, facing my fears about having a c-section.  I've done research, loads of research, on every facet of a c-section from preparation to recovery.  I've written a comprehensive birth plan for a family centered c-section that I've shared with my doctors.  I've read countless stories of twin births, both with vaginal and c-section deliveries.  I've spoken with other moms of multiples and moms who have had c-sections.  Yet I still felt fear, panic, and extreme anxiety at the thought of a c-section.  I was still reduced to tears at the thought of having another surgery.  My plan wasn't working, and I'm now 28 weeks into this pregnancy.  I didn't have very much time left to face these fears.

November was a tough month.  We were busy and sick and I just didn't have it in me to make the trip to our church with the two kids.  Our church is amazing and like family, but it is over an hour away from us and a trip to church is an entire day trip for us. I finally pulled everything together and made it last week, and it was exactly what I needed.  The talk was about control, which can be a touchy subject for type A personalities like me.  It was what I needed though, because there are some things that we can't control no matter how much preparation we do.  

My daughter is 4 years old and having the typical battles for control and independence.  She often wants things that she can't have, like making a snowman in August.  That simply isn't a choice.  The weather is not something that we can control.  We could make fake snow. We could build mini snowman slushies with crushed ice from the freezer. We can travel to Antarctica and build a snowman there.  We can try to make things bend to our will.  But we can't control the weather and make a snowman in our backyard in August. Controlling the birth experience of my twins isn't a choice.  I can't dictate the experience and how it should go.  But what then?  My type A personality needs a plan.  

Well the plan is to Let it Go.  It comes down to faith in the end.  I trust God and his plan for my life, I have seen so many things in my life work out somehow.  I don't question that I am in his hands.  So why didn't this occur to me sooner?  I have done my part  by doing everything I can do to prepare for this birth, but it still hasn't been enough to ease my fears. Once I let go of the control, I started to feel lighter. I couldn't do it all at once, over the course of the week I have been thinking and letting things go bit by bit and getting lighter and lighter.  I can finally see the big picture when I couldn't see it before.  I'm going to have two little miracles, one way or another.  Either way, it will be ok.  I'm not saying that I will have an easy time emotionally if this birth ends in a c-section, and I may feel some pain and grief about losing the birth that I wanted after their birth.  But the paralyzing fear is gone, and that is enough for me to get through it.

As I was falling asleep last night, I started to worry again and had to tell myself to Let it Go. Then I remembered the opening lines of Little Wonders by Rob Thomas-"Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know, the hardest part is over. "  The rest of the song describes the big picture for me so well.  I can't wait to meet my little wonders.