Monday, January 28, 2013

Sit tight and hold on!

A new year makes you look back and look forward.  To think about things you have achieved, and things you want to accomplish. I have been simultaneously proud and frustrated with myself about what I have achieved in my life in 2012.  We added a new member to our family,  I had some time with just me and my babies (and a brief affair with this blog), and I started my home daycare.  Those are just some of the big things, things I am certainly proud of accomplishing.  I wish that I had been more vigilant about eating healthy all the time, that I had been more successful with balancing my needs with the needs of my family.  It may be selfish, but I have really been struggling with the lack of time to spend of my crafty projects, and on being able to share them here on the blog.  Blogging is something I truly enjoy, and something I haven't had time to do in months and months.

Last year I thought that 2013 would bring great things for me. I imagined that when Nathan was a year old, I would be able to share parenting duties a little more equally with the hubby and have some time to work on my personal goals.  I went to a 3 hour photography workshop yesterday, something I have been wanting to do for over a year.  It was great, I accomplished a goal for myself.  I was finally able to put together all the disjointed information I had been trying to learn from books and you tube videos and tutorials and learn how to take full advantage of my camera.  Then I walked out of the workshop to my car, and my phone rang.  It was the hubby, asking if I was finished and when I would be back, and could I please pick up some diapers on the way since we only had one left.  He'd had a difficult day, I could tell even though he hadn't said so.  I felt guilty.  I had told myself before I left that I wouldn't feel guilty.  I had told myself all month that I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving the kids with the hubby to do something that I wanted to do.  But I did.  I felt as though I had shirked my duties, been selfish, and perhaps even irresponsible.  Which made me realize that my life had become about making my family's life run smoothly.  "Not a bad thing," I said to myself.  It's my job as a mother and wife to do what I can to make my family happy and content with their life.  They rely on me for that, and when I am not there to make sure that their favorite outfit has been washed for the fifth time that week, they have their mommy milk whenever they want it, and to know where to find all the paraphernalia needed to take the kids sledding, the day is difficult.  I keep my family running smoothly.  That is something I am proud of.  Is that all I can do?  Well, maybe right now the answer is yes.

My days are full. From 7 am to 6 pm, my daycare is open for business. I have anywhere from 4-7 kids running around my house needing me to care for them.  I enjoy it. I love teaching them, and playing with them, and being able to stay home with my own kids to watch them grow.  It is the right move for me right now, it is where I am supposed to be.  It also means I have to spend a ridiculous amount of time keeping my house clean and sanitized, plan lessons and prep activities for my preschool set, take classes and develop myself professionally in early childhood development, and maintain my daycare website, which includes a weekly private blog where I keep parents apprised of the goings on and what their children are achieving while in my care.  Before and after daycare I am still a wife and mother of two small children.  I have one night a week when the hubby relieves me of dinner and kid duty from 6:30-8:00, I need that time for my sanity.  I put up the gate and usually take out my sewing machine, and try not to feel guilty when I hear them struggling downstairs. It is frustrating to be pulled into so many directions, wanting to do so much, but always falling short in one way or another because you just can't do it all.

This morning I read a fantastic post from one of my favorite bloggers.  I felt so happy for her, that she is in a place to start working on new dreams and goals.  Of course it made me think about my own dreams and goals, and then a familiar feeling of frustration came over me.  What about my goals, my dreams? When would I be able to even consider being able to put time into growing my etsy shop, setting up tables at local craft fairs and events, making things and blogging about them?

I first wrote the title of this post "Sit tight and hold on!" feeling resigned.  I had accepted that right now, those dreams and goals are on hold.  I can't work on them right now, but I don't want to lose them.  Right now I have to sit tight where I am at, and know that those dreams will be in my future someday.  However, as I was writing this I realized that despite the fact that I have new goals and dreams I had lost sight of the fact that I am currently living one of my dreams. Staying home with my children has been an amazing blessing.  It surely has not been without difficulties and challenges and I made the mistake of getting lost in them.  I found my way out of the mire of frustration and guilt today.  Instead of feeling resigned I am feeling resolved.  I am going to remember that I am living my dream, and my dream still needs me.   I am going to sit tight and hold on to see where this dream takes me.


Shannah @ Just Us Four said...

Wow! I have so much respect for daycare providers. I just don't think I could do it...I always feel like I have my hands completely full with just my own two!
Awesome that you got to take a photography class!