Unseen Scars: Emotional Recovery from Surgery

Nearly 4 years ago I had a gall bladder attack that resulted in having my gall bladder removed surgically.  The surgery was performed perfectly. Physically, I recovered completely.   Physically, I was fine.

Emotionally, I was not fine.  The circumstances surrounding my surgery have made emotional recovery difficult.  You see, my daughter was 10 months old at the time.  My body was so swollen from trying to pass the gall stone that started the attack that surgery wasn't possible until the 5^th day that I was in the hospital.  A blizzard started the night that I was admitted into the hospital and lasted for 4 days. My husband is required to work during snowstorms to remove snow from essential roadways around the county.

I am blessed in many ways.  I am blessed with fantastic sisters that came to my home to care for my daughter.  I knew she was in excellent hands while I was unable to be with her.  I am blessed that I had excellent doctors that helped my body heal from the gall bladder attack and surgery.  I am blessed with a husband that takes his work seriously and worked tirelessly to help keep countless people safe on the roads during that blizzard.  Because of the blizzard, schools were closed and I did not have to use sick leave that I didn't have during my hospital stay.  I am so grateful for all of these things.

Each of those blessings has a flip side, and that is hard for me to admit.  I spent so much time trying to feel blessed instead of facing the reality of my emotions while still acknowledging the blessing.  Before I knew it I was drowning in the emotions that I was trying so hard not to feel.   I spent 6 days separated from my baby.  Days full of pain and boredom and medications and strangers and snow, which were spent missing her.  When the storm stopped and the roads were clear enough, my sisters brought Natalie to see me, and she didn't recognize me.  It took her a while to come willingly back into my arms.  That killed me.  After I was home and off of the pain medications I tried to breastfeed her again and she refused.  Over those 9 days, she weaned completely.  Our breastfeeding relationship was over, just like that.  And I died again.  I felt like a failure.  Yet again, my body had betrayed me.  I had already gone through the experience of not being able to pump enough milk for her while I was at work, and had to accept that she would be formula fed while at daycare, and breast fed at home with me.  My breastfeeding relationship with my daughter had been snatched from me, and we had been so close to making it to the one year mark.

While the doctors and nurses were great, the thought of surgery was quite scary for me.  My husband was supposed to drop my daughter at daycare and come to see me at the hospital before I went in to surgery.  I was counting on that support to get me through the scary part, but my surgery was moved up and my poor, tired husband overslept and I went into the OR feeling very afraid and very alone.  I was put under general anesthesia, a first for me, and I went from falling asleep in a relatively quiet OR to waking up in the hustle and bustle of the hospital hallway while they were taking me back to my room, which was very disconcerting and unexpected.  My husband was not in my room waiting for me like I expected.  Ever practical and hardworking, he came to the hospital after dropping off Natalie, they told him I would be in surgery for a couple more hours, and he decided that it made sense for him to go back home and shovel the feet of snow off of the driveway.  You know men, you can generally take their estimate of time to be spent on a job and double it for a more accurate estimate.  He finally came to the hospital to see me 2 hours after I was out of recovery.  Unfortunately, I had been through too much emotionally by that point. I had been alone in the hospital for 4 days, my daughter did not want me to hold her, I went into surgery alone and scared, and I came out of surgery alone and scared.   The rational part of me tried to understand his logic, but I felt very abandoned.  It made me retreat back into myself and put us through a very rocky part of our marriage because I emotionally distanced myself from him.  He didn't understand what I was going through, why I felt alone, why it made a difference whether he had been there or not, why it mattered so much that Natalie had stopped nursing…   It took a long time for us to move forward from that experience and begin communicating effectively and really connecting again.

It has been a long, hard road to emotional recovery, and until recently, I thought that I had recovered.  Right now I am faced with a very real possibility of having to give birth to my twins through a c-section.  The thought of delivering my twins through surgery terrifies me.  For me, surgery has meant separation from my family.  I cannot bear the thought of being separated from my twins through surgery.  Surgery also meant the end of my breastfeeding relationship with my daughter, and I am determined to breastfeed the twins, but worried that the surgery and recovery will prevent that relationship from forming properly like it did with my other children.   The mere thought of having a c-section puts me into tears and makes my heart race, it is a physical reaction to the stress that I cannot prevent from happening.   I watched a video of a very calm and peaceful “natural” c-section that did not separate the mother from her child and I was still on the verge of a panic attack.

I realized that in order to come to terms and have a peaceful birth, no matter whether it is a vaginal delivery or a c-section, I need to face my ghosts from surgery’s past and finish the healing process, since I have only scratched the surface.  Step One is recognizing the feelings that I still have regarding my past experience.  I have found writing this story of my past to share has been a good first step.  These feelings are not something to be ashamed of or hide from others.  Step Two for me will be work through these feelings one by one and come to peace with them, separating my gall bladder surgery from the possibility of a c-section.  Easier said than done, I’m sure.  Plus, I have a deadline.  These babies will come into this world when they are ready, whether I am healed emotionally or not.  Hopefully by that point I will be able to embrace the possibility of a c-section with peace.  Moreover, be able to enjoy the birth of my babies without fear and emotional scars.  

Update 12/12/13:  Let It Go is an update on my journey to recovery from these emotional scars and how they affect the impending birth of my twins. 

Got Twins?

Well, I do!

Talk about the surprise of your life.  Finding out there are two little babies instead of just the one we were expecting is definitely going to be on our list of the top surprises of our lifetime.

We are so blessed and these twins will be the perfect addition to our family.

A brother for Nathan

and a FEISTY little sister for Natalie.

Baby Girl actually kept her parts a secret at the first ultrasound we had.  Then at the second one 3 weeks later, she decided to keep the state of her internal organs a secret as well and wouldn't let us get the pictures we needed for an anatomy scan.  She also loves to push on my GI tract and give me heartburn.  It's a good thing, she will need to be feisty to keep Natalie in check :)  Baby Boy is quite active, but behaves pretty well for a sonogram once his sister stops pushing him around. (Weirdest yet most awesome part of twin pregnancy = watching them interact with each other during the ultrasounds.  I can feel them kicking me, but I can't feel when they are kicking each other.)  They will make their entrance into the world in late February or early March.

Since you are all wondering-
1. No, twins don't really run in my family.  I have an identical twin grandmother, but that is not something that is hereditary.
2. Yes, they are fraternal.  They each have their own little sack and placenta.
3. No, I wasn't as shocked as you might think.  I had very little trouble wrapping my head around the idea of twins.  I love the idea of twins, and that I can get two babies out of one pregnancy ;)
4. Yes, I am well aware that you are quite glad it is me and not you.  I could tell by the way you said "wow" when I shared the news.
5. Yes, I will have to sell my car.  And buy a minivan.  And maybe a bigger house while we're at it.
6. I am in fact exhausted, though no longer nauseous, in pain, growing a bump exponentially faster than my last two, and generally dying.  But I will say that I'm fine, and I might even sound convincing.
7. Despite the fact that I have had this conversation countless times in the last 4 weeks, and it has become a little predictable, I never get tired of talking about my babies and I love that my friends and family and complete strangers are so interested.

I have been hitting pinterest hard looking for the best ways to parent (and craft for) twins.  I think some of these ideas are definitely in my future.  Especially this one

This set and image is from Swanky Shank on Etsy.  Isn't it completely adorable?

I've got a few things that I've been working on to share, once I find the perfect combination of energy, time, and lighting to photograph them.  I wouldn't hold your breath on that one ;)

Fruits of Labor Infant/Preemie Beanies

When I sew for a cause, I tend to go way overboard and SEW for a cause :)  My local mommies group ran a drive for the Special Care Nursery at our local hospital recently, and these hats were my contribution.  I upcycled t-shirts from my stash of leftovers from t-shirt quilts, and these babies are so fast to whip together it didn't take much time at all.  I used the sleeves of the shirts so that I could use the existing hem and save a step.  I also made them itty bitty and super itty bitty.  I don't know about others' experiences with hats, maybe my kids just had small heads, but all of our newborn and 0-3 month hats were huge on my babies and we ended up using the hospital hat most often for Natalie since it fit her the best. Therefore, the special care nursery hats are super small so they can fit right away, and their parents can enjoy the "fruits of their labor," ha ha.

The concept of the DIY baby fruit hat is not mine, I was inspired by Delia's version of Freshly Picked baby hats and by the Fruit Salad hats made by Maggie of Smashed Peas and Carrots.  They have excellent tutorials to show off the basics of their baby hats.

Owls + Puff Quilt + Diaper Cake = Best New Baby Gift Ever

One of my friends is having a new baby soon very soon, and he just couldn't come into the world without a having dozen embellished prefold diapers/burp-cloths to soil and owlish puff quilt to snuggle on.

I fell in love with these owl prints I found at Joann's (The fabric line is called "Night Owl Club" and I have officially used all that I have.  I am now trying to think of an excuse to buy more!).  Baby couldn't spit up on anything cuter, and I love a good prefold diaper cake. 

  This quilt.  Oh, this quilt was hard to let go.  The puffs are so "fluffly" to quote Natalie, and between the puff and the owls and the soft n fluffy border I just about died.  LOVE, just love it.

I perused the web for tutorials, and ended up getting blogger after blogger referring me to buy the pattern at Honeybear Lane.  Let me say, I'm not usually a "buy the pattern" kind of girl. I usually just wing it.  Two things made me buy the pattern in the end, 1) I was on a time crunch, and it would have taken longer to figure it all out myself. 2) I wanted a quilt just like the ones she makes.

The pattern is wonderful.  I didn't change up too much, but  I did try to accommodate my time constraints. I used the rag puff quilt technique to eliminate the need for binding/backing and extra steps.

The clipping seemed to last forever, but it is awfully cute.  I would recommend not using the ragging technique with the soft n fluffy in the future.  I spent half of my life trying to get rid of all the little threads that stuck to that fluff in the wash.  A normal minky probably would have turned out a little better.  All in all, love the puff quilts. I've already got visions of two more dancing in my heads for friends who are expecting :)

Princess Dress Up Party

My Natalie just celebrated her 4th birthday!  Complete with self-performed haircut just 2 weeks before the event.  I suppose most preschoolers do it at some point, but still, she cut off all of her hair.

Sigh.  I was totally heartbroken for a few days.  Then I got over the shock that was hitting me every time I looked at her and realized she had grown up.  She wanted to make more decisions for herself.    My opinions and desires do not trump her own.  I've never attempted to force things on her, she dresses herself in clothes that don't match, pink and red are her favorite colors so she looks like a red hat lady half the time :), she plays with whatever toys she likes, and makes plenty of her own choices. I thought I was doing a great job at raising her to be free and independent.  She had asked me on several occasions to cut her hair short, and I would trim it a little bit, loving her long hair too much to cut it all off.  I had tricked myself into thinking that she loved her own long hair, but she actually didn't want it.  She took matters into her own hands, and I have resolved to listen to my strong willed, all grown up, 4 year old daughter.

Anyways,  she wanted a "Princess Dress Up Party" for her birthday, and requested a "down low" Snow White princess dress as her birthday present.  I did my best to make it happen!

 The dress was my first experiment with a peasant style princess dress.  I wanted it to have a very twirly skirt, so I added a circle skirt to the bottom of the peasant top.  It worked out alright, but it does sit a little funny at the waistline.

 It is super twirly! And meets the "down low" requirement as in almost reaches the floor.

 And she loves it!

To make her day extra fun I did a little decorating to the playroom.  Tulle transformed out chairs into thrones.

We made princess cupcakes that I had the kids decorate themselves.

Natalie chose Snow White, of course.

 And promptly started to eat her princess on the cob

She loved the dress, and the cupcakes, and the thrones, and the two dozen balloons hanging from the ceiling, but her favorite thing by far was the cardboard castle.  Now I saw this cardboard castle playhouse and knew that it would be perfect.  When I saw it I fell in love with it, it was so fancy!  Then a couple minutes minutes later I went from "Oh that's really fancy!" to "Oh.  That's really fancy."  It is awesome and amazing, but I don't have room for a huge castle playhouse nor do I want to spend $50+  and hours upon hours of time on a cardboard playhouse that I don't have room to keep up around.  Here is my version of a cardboard castle.   It cost me $5.00, some duct tape, and 3 hours of my time.

 I picked up 2 extra large (22"x22"21") moving boxes and 1 small (16"x12"x12") moving box from Home Depot.  I turned them inside out, taped up all the seams, added the arch using the small box, and then cut out the squares on the top for the battlements, cut the doors, and cut the windows. 

 The structure was still not very sturdy.  I taped squares and triangles of cardboard to the corners of the boxes to act as L brackets and make the structure more sturdy.  Like so

I also taped the castle to the floor and the wall. 

As an added bonus, I left the castle to be a blank canvas for all the kids to enjoy decorating.  Natalie chose to draw long lines representing Rapunzel's hair coming down from the castle.

Happy birthday Natalie!  You are the most amazing, independent, brilliant, sassy, and fun daughter I could have.  Love you to pieces :)

Book Page Photo Frame

Don't you love it when a project fails initially, but turns out even better than you expected? Around Christmas time I saw this frame on Pinterest.  I fell in love, and thought it would be a fun gift to make.  I actually thought it couldn't be too difficult to do the project as directed with spray paint.  I soon remembered that there is a reason that I stay away from paint in general.  Let's just say I had to scrap the project as a Christmas gift.

I thought on how to save the project for a week or two and ended up thinking about mod podging something onto the frame to cover up the horrendous spray paint mishap.   I love things made from book pages, I even have a pinterest board dedicated to book page crafting projects.  Thinking about making things with book pages in the abstract is easy, it was much harder to cut into the book!  I chose a book I loved as a child, and therefore had read to pieces, literally.  The book was in 4 pieces, merely contained in the cover that no longer stuck to the spine. I tried to start tearing the pages up half a dozen times before I realized I would have to give the book one last hurrah before giving it another life. 

 I finished the last page, returned that portion of the book to it's place in the cover, gave the book one final caress, and proceeded to rip, tear, and mutilate the book into oblivion. The application was simple, I tore up pages in different directions and used mod podge on the back side of the paper.  I didn't seal over the top of the pages with it because I didn't like how it changed the coloring of the paper.  I was able to follow the instructions on the original tutorial to finish the frame with wire and mini clothespins.

I loved the idea of having all of the photos in sepia tones,and while I love it, it is a bit dull.  The next time I update the photos I will try some color!  If I get tired of the color of the frame I may try "staining" it with a color so the words still show through.

Sit tight and hold on!

A new year makes you look back and look forward.  To think about things you have achieved, and things you want to accomplish. I have been simultaneously proud and frustrated with myself about what I have achieved in my life in 2012.  We added a new member to our family,  I had some time with just me and my babies (and a brief affair with this blog), and I started my home daycare.  Those are just some of the big things, things I am certainly proud of accomplishing.  I wish that I had been more vigilant about eating healthy all the time, that I had been more successful with balancing my needs with the needs of my family.  It may be selfish, but I have really been struggling with the lack of time to spend of my crafty projects, and on being able to share them here on the blog.  Blogging is something I truly enjoy, and something I haven't had time to do in months and months.

Last year I thought that 2013 would bring great things for me. I imagined that when Nathan was a year old, I would be able to share parenting duties a little more equally with the hubby and have some time to work on my personal goals.  I went to a 3 hour photography workshop yesterday, something I have been wanting to do for over a year.  It was great, I accomplished a goal for myself.  I was finally able to put together all the disjointed information I had been trying to learn from books and you tube videos and tutorials and learn how to take full advantage of my camera.  Then I walked out of the workshop to my car, and my phone rang.  It was the hubby, asking if I was finished and when I would be back, and could I please pick up some diapers on the way since we only had one left.  He'd had a difficult day, I could tell even though he hadn't said so.  I felt guilty.  I had told myself before I left that I wouldn't feel guilty.  I had told myself all month that I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving the kids with the hubby to do something that I wanted to do.  But I did.  I felt as though I had shirked my duties, been selfish, and perhaps even irresponsible.  Which made me realize that my life had become about making my family's life run smoothly.  "Not a bad thing," I said to myself.  It's my job as a mother and wife to do what I can to make my family happy and content with their life.  They rely on me for that, and when I am not there to make sure that their favorite outfit has been washed for the fifth time that week, they have their mommy milk whenever they want it, and to know where to find all the paraphernalia needed to take the kids sledding, the day is difficult.  I keep my family running smoothly.  That is something I am proud of.  Is that all I can do?  Well, maybe right now the answer is yes.

My days are full. From 7 am to 6 pm, my daycare is open for business. I have anywhere from 4-7 kids running around my house needing me to care for them.  I enjoy it. I love teaching them, and playing with them, and being able to stay home with my own kids to watch them grow.  It is the right move for me right now, it is where I am supposed to be.  It also means I have to spend a ridiculous amount of time keeping my house clean and sanitized, plan lessons and prep activities for my preschool set, take classes and develop myself professionally in early childhood development, and maintain my daycare website, which includes a weekly private blog where I keep parents apprised of the goings on and what their children are achieving while in my care.  Before and after daycare I am still a wife and mother of two small children.  I have one night a week when the hubby relieves me of dinner and kid duty from 6:30-8:00, I need that time for my sanity.  I put up the gate and usually take out my sewing machine, and try not to feel guilty when I hear them struggling downstairs. It is frustrating to be pulled into so many directions, wanting to do so much, but always falling short in one way or another because you just can't do it all.

This morning I read a fantastic post from one of my favorite bloggers.  I felt so happy for her, that she is in a place to start working on new dreams and goals.  Of course it made me think about my own dreams and goals, and then a familiar feeling of frustration came over me.  What about my goals, my dreams? When would I be able to even consider being able to put time into growing my etsy shop, setting up tables at local craft fairs and events, making things and blogging about them?

I first wrote the title of this post "Sit tight and hold on!" feeling resigned.  I had accepted that right now, those dreams and goals are on hold.  I can't work on them right now, but I don't want to lose them.  Right now I have to sit tight where I am at, and know that those dreams will be in my future someday.  However, as I was writing this I realized that despite the fact that I have new goals and dreams I had lost sight of the fact that I am currently living one of my dreams. Staying home with my children has been an amazing blessing.  It surely has not been without difficulties and challenges and I made the mistake of getting lost in them.  I found my way out of the mire of frustration and guilt today.  Instead of feeling resigned I am feeling resolved.  I am going to remember that I am living my dream, and my dream still needs me.   I am going to sit tight and hold on to see where this dream takes me.